Psalm 64: The Gamer's Bible

[Schamæl]

This is a legendary article that I uncovered from page 49 of Issue 42 of Commodore Format (March 1994). Yes - you read right - from the golden age of gaming, the 90s!

Back in the days of tapes, Action Replay cartridges, and the birth of modern Geekism...

You can SMELL the Fundamentalist Geekism in these words! Nay, ye can TASTE it!

I sat here and typed this out - every character - just because I love you all so much I hope you appreciate this

Here's the article lol because it's so epic:

[Schamæl]

It's said by many that religion was just a way of controlling the masses. Whether this was true or not, it was certainly very good at it. Stand aside, then, for the next set of commandments:

If you think you’re innocent, then you’re guilty of lying to yourself. You can be the nicest, kindest, granny- helping, bob-a-jobber in the world, but when you get hold of a joystick, Beelzebub Himself would hide in a toilet with several changes of underwear to hand. There’s only one way to avoid High-Score Hades, though – repent your sins, and start to lead the holy life…

1) Thou shalt not accidentally kick the power switch when thou art losing.
Up to the 17th century, it was believed that a witch could be spotted by their inability to drown. Here in the 20th century, you can detect game sinners by the way their computer desk is right in front of the plug socket, keeping the power switch in close kickable range for those rather-too-intense two player games when normal, sporting, and fair tactics fail them.

2) Thou shalt not enter verily stylish names into the high score chart such as “Rik”, “Gay”, “God”, or “QPR”.
As one of the lesser offences in the eyes of God, the standard “QPR” is punishable by ten Hail Mayhems. The slightly more sinful range of abbreviated (badly spelt and unprintable – sorry) smut and swearing can, if you confess, cause you to be subjected to two whole, torturous hours of Cisco Heat. If you don’t always remember that the road to Hell is paved with Riks, and you’ll probably have to meet every one of the sad anoraked propeller-heads.

3) Thou shalt not hack the high score table.
The reason, incidentally, for the slightly more original choice of covering for the road to Hell is because these sad propeller-heads are all trudging slowly down there, after trying to kid themselves that they’re the ultimate gameplayer by changing every name on every high score table to “Rik”. It’s little known that after the frogs and fish, Moses wrote of a rain of Riks, but the scrolls were badly damaged when the next Roman emperor, Rikus, replaced them with a message to his girlfriend.

4) Thou shalt not hog the autofire joystick.
It’s an age-old problem concerning two joysticks – Nostradamus wrote of the Commodore joystick : “It shalle be nobbe, and no wonne shall knowe what way they may be firing”. He also wrote of the Konix Speed Demon Mega Phallus II: “And it shalle be studded with a thousand buttons of fire, bringing a reign of scourge and the biggest high score to the selfish boy with a gleam in his eye”.

5) Thou shalt not keep dying on the same level because you can score more.
Enough of the biblical stuff – it really is pigging irritating, isn’t it? You’re reached a degree of sheer brilliance on a certain game that no-one, and I mean no-one, could match, and your useless friend asks to have a go. You’re not low enough to break the seventh commandment, so you’re destined to sit there and watch this so-called “friend” die repeatedly five seconds into the game, but somehow triple your best score ever by coincidentally picking up the same power-up seventeen times, as they keep re-appearing once you die. Somehow the knowledge they they’ll write in eternal damnation doesn’t seem quite comforting enough.

6) Thou shalt not restart five seconds into the game because ye stupidly lost a life.
Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. There’ll be a game in your collection with a really difficult piece of timing on the fifth level, and you just can’t get past this one point for the life of you. Deciding to give it one last try, you load the game up and start. Five seconds in you’ll find you made a stupid mistake and lose a life. However, because you’re a weasel, you’ll tell yourself that you weren’t ready, your hands were sweaty, there’s a bug in the game, that creature never popped up there before, you need new glasses, you were distracted, or any number of excuses, honestly believing you were right. Take it from me – they don’t let you past the pearly gates if your hands are sweaty. All true gameplayers have sweaty palms, so we're all screwed...

7) Thou shalt not sneakily remove thy friend’s joystick plug mid-game because they’re doing too well.
We’ve all suffered the agony of this one – you visit a friend, and they show you their latest game that they’ve secretly spent a week trying to get to grips with, laughingly offering you a go. To their utter dismay, you start off well, and top their best score within the first thirty seconds. You’re just going into your overture of smugness when, inexplicably, your joystick goes dead. It takes you by surprise every time, and you never expect anyone to be that petty. Be warned: they are.

8) Thou shalt not cheat at chess.
It is said that the Chinese modelled the game of chess around a military battle. When the classic mind game arrived on computer, the emphasis shifted totally (or so historians believe), placing the player in, oddly enough, the Garden of Eden – strange, but true. It’s quite plain to see that the two sides represent Adam and Eve, but the real problems come with the snake who, in a stroke of pure evil, has taken the form of the option to take back moves and edit the board. Tempting, isn’t it…?

9) Thou shalt not, when the other player is new to the game, blast seven shades of Hades out of them before they work out what they’re doing.
It may have been left out of the painting, but in the middle of the table at the Last Supper there was a C64 and a stack of two-player games. They belonged to Jesus, who brought them along as a slightly more reliable test. I don’t want to mention any names, but one of his mates broke the Eighth Commandment, and his name rhymed with Qudos…

10) Thou shalt not take the game’s name in vain.
No-one likes a sore loser, but everyone likes to flip their lid once in a while. Though dying stupidly on level three is irritating on a mass-murder scale, throwing a joystick clear across the room sure makes you feel good. Besides, to experience good, you have to know evil, and who’s perfect, anyway? Sometimes you’ve just got to fly casual and give yourself over to the dark side of the force…

[Schamæl]

... and if you don't know what a Commodore 64 is, then Google it now before your brain dies!

[LOKFanatiK]

Ah C64 - classic. Had one ages ago but sold it on eBay Looking back I wish I didn't.

This is legendary lol nice find As if you got this thats so random but awesome.